A little bit of this....and a little bit of that...

It's been a week since my last post. I've been busy finishing my sketchbook for an upcoming art show I'm in through the Art House Coop.





Another reason why I've been so lack at writing is because I just spent an epic weekend in Boston. My friends Monica & Eric tied the knot on Sunday. I had a BLAST. With the wedding being in Worcester I decided to take the weekend to visit old friends who still live in Boston. Needless to say it was just what I needed. I was able to have a cuddle sesh on Friday night, hit up Harvard Square for lunch on Saturday and went on a date with my bff Saturday night. We went to go see Blue Valentine, which might I add is a must see. Here is the trailer. P.s. Ryan Gosling is a mega babe.




Saturday night was also spent bar hopping in the theater district with old faces. I love that area of Boston, the Commons are always lovely in the winter. Sunday morning my parents came to Southie where I was staying and took me out to breakfast. Although my sister wasn't able to join it was still nice. I told my parents about my ideas of writing a memoir and my Mom had tears in her eyes. She's a silly one that lady.

Today has been spent listening to Bon Iver radio and drinking tea all the while being at work, one of the many perks of my job. Here is a song that came on through the shuffle...



Loves it.

"Fear of the unknown is the greatest fear of all."

Snakes, heights, large crowds, time, public speaking, failure, vulnerability and commitment are only a few things that give me the heeby jeebies. We all learn that once we enter this world there are only two things that are certain; death and taxes. Like us, fears have a life expectancy. We never forget the moment we discover we have the fear and in most cases we will all parish with most of, if not all of our fears. What are your fears? How do you cope/overcome them?

Snakes. I knew I was afraid of snakes right around the age of eight. My family and I were taking a nature walk (something that is very common with us 'country' folks) at Odiorne Point State Park. I was walking ahead of everyone humming to myself, taking in the sun when all of a sudden "YIKESSS!!!!!!!!", I spotted a slithering creature crossing my path. I was OUT OF THERE. I ran so fast that I left my family behind in the dust. It was awful. Soon after my family caught up to me, giggling and teasing, not knowing that my sudden sprint was due to the sight of the scariest, grossest garden snake I had ever seen. Yes, you read correctly, a garden snake. Even my parents couldn't put me at ease of such a wimpy creature. From that day on whenever I mention my fear of snakes my parents remind me of the time I mastered my Forest Gump impression with a nice crisp sprint.

Let's skip through the fear of heights, large crowds, public speaking and jump right to failure, vulnerability, and commitment. Who isn't afraid to fail? This is a big one, especially amongst my peers. You see, being a late 20 something with a college education, living in one of the most expensive cities in the country can be rather daunting. The thought of failing, not making it, selling out and letting people down are common thoughts that I have on a regular basis. Although I try to live my life as if it were a blessing, it's difficult to stay focused on what is most important; the process. I might be at point A and my goal/dream is at point Z but without going through the rest of the alphabet first, no matter how long it might take, I'll compromise myself from learning and experiencing the meat and potatoes of what makes my goal/dream significant. How's that for analogies. Bottom line, we all have the fear of failing and it might never go away. The best thing we can do is to remind ourselves that through our passions and energy we will create our own destinies.

Vulnerability. Well, this is a bit complex. To sum this up I'd say that I have a fear of becoming completely vulnerable to people. I recognize that I am an open, compassionate, trustworthy, and loving person. Why would I have trouble being vulnerable? I think the 'L' word has something to do with that. And no, I am not referring to the L.A. lesbian drama series on HBO. I don't have trust issues, or intimacy issues, those are never a problem. I think the trouble is being completely exposed to someone, giving myself emotionally, and letting go. I have no problem having others feel like themselves around me but for whatever reason I have a hard time feeling myself 100% around other people.

And then there is commitment. Disclaimer: I am a very loyal, trustworthy mate. I have never cheated, nor lead anyone on with the exception of maybe one or two gentleman friends in High School (but that was High School so it doesn't count). I think this fear has something to do with the fact that I am picky. Not only that but I usually tend to have a high guard when it comes to committing to a relationship. It's kind of funny to think about. I have no trouble being committed to other things such as jobs, friends, making plans and setting goals but when it comes to the interest in the opposite sex I clam up. Why is that? Here is my analysis. I was a late bloomer in the whole dating scene. I never dated much before college and in terms of sex, I lost my 'v' card at the age of 23 when a lot of my peers were going at it like rabbits anywhere between the ages 14-19. On top of it all I was never someone to throw around the four letter word, starting with the letter L and ending in E. I've actually only said it to one other person (aside from family members/friends) and that doesn't even count because it was my best friend and in the form of a letter. I've felt it more than once but never got the courage to admit it to the other person. So, what gives? I don't really have any answers to why I have a fear with being vulnerable. Call me old fashion, call me crazy. I think I'll know the solution when I see it, or more so, feel it.

To end this rant for now I will leave you with this. The best part about fearing something is that there is hope that someday/somehow you can overcome them. You can work on it because the outcome will be rewarding and beneficial to self-growth and your enjoyment in life and all its other challenges.

Bucket List

No I am not referring to the dramatic comedy staring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman (which I haven't seen yet) but more so the top 100 things you want to do before you die. I think everyone should become acquainted with their hopes and dreams. Why not write it all down to make them more real? I have recently began to organize a bunch of things that I am interested in accomplishing during my life. Such things involve personal goals, travel, family, financial goals, relationship and personal pleasure. Here is what I've got so far...

1. The Aurora Borealis/Northern Lights
2. Taj Mahal
3. The Great Pyramid of Giza
4. The Great Wall of China
5. US cross country road trip
6. Participate in a threesome
7. The Grand Canyon
8. Publish a book of short stories
9. Publish a book of Polaroids
10. European tour (London, Paris, Barcelona...)
11. To be in two places at once
12. Skydive, again
13. Japan
14. Shake Bill Murray's hand
15. Live in the mountains in a log cabin
16. Own a Cafe
17. Have at least 2 healthy children
18. Travel to all continents
19. Get married before 40
20. Go on a hot air balloon ride
21. Patagonia
22. Easter Island
23. Work in a creative position
24. Website
25. Pay off school loans, eventually
26. Start a non profit
27. Help my parents financially
28. Travel with my sister
29. Own a Ford 150
30. Have a pet dog or two
31. Bonnaroo
32. Illustrate a childrens book
33. Learn to ski
34. Snorkel
35. Learn to surf
36. Learn how to play the piano

It doesn't just stop here. Those are only a few things that I'd like to see through before it's my time to go. What's on your bucket list?

Needs/Wants for 2011

First and foremost I would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year. It has been just shy of three months since my last post which is far too long.I think it's time to start getting back to it. Let's do a little recap on 2010 shall we...

2010 was a big year for me. My transitions to NY really unfolded, I moved into an apartment with the best roommates anyone could have and I found some stability in the direction(s) that I am going in. I ended the year celebrating the young lives that were lost, redirecting myself and analyzing my goals and ambitions for the next few years to come.

The New Year serves as a great place to press the 'do over' button. Or more so, the 'restart' button. Each year is spent learning more about oneself, experiencing life and exploring the options of creating the 'path' that we all see ourselves going down. I think for me this past year was monumental. After having a rugged two years in New York (career wise) I have regained the confidence and strength that I was lacking for far too long. As of now, my career path is heading in a more positive direction. Although I may not be doing what I want to do for the "rest of my life" right now, I have goals. My current employment is, for lack of a better word, fun. I enjoy my time while at work and look at this as a perfect transition job. It allows me to stay afloat financially all the while it shines some light on this dreary city. All in all, I feel fortunate.

It isn't easy "growing up" in today's society. What does that even mean, to grow up? Is it financial independence? Graduating from a respected college, getting married and having babies? How does the stress of the social norm affect you? Because for me, I feel abnormal and almost out of the loop when it comes to it. I am slowly learning that the norm is obsolete and that we all have our own definition of what "happiness" is. What does happiness mean to you? How is it any different from your peers? And most importantly, are you being true to yourself? Those are questions I ask myself almost every day...

Here are some of my 'Needs' and 'Wants' for 2011...

NEEDS
1) Create a game plan...for life... (How ambiguous I know...)
2) Constant personal affirmation that there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to grow up...
3) To go on more adventures...
4) Travel , internationally and domestic...
5) Write more snail mail...
6) Remind the ones I love that they mean the world to me...
7) Scan all 83478374 Polaroids and get crackin on publishing my book...
8) Get my studio space up and running (I gave myself until the end of Jan to get this done)...
9) DRAW/PAINT everyday ...this is an understatement
10) READ/ WRITE/BLOG everyday, again...another understatement...
11) Stay physically focused...health wise...
12) Say what's on my mind more often then none.
13) Spend more time with family. This a big one. I think this is something people realize the older they get.
14) To get a website up and running.
15) Explore...

WANTS
1) More inspirational moments...
2) To go skydiving, again...
3) Cross country road trip (I've never been to the West Coast)...
4) A healthy romantic relationship...
5) A bicycle
6) More motorcycle rides, picnics, beach adventures, nights under the stars...
7) Camping/fishing trip(s)
8) Museum endeavors
9) Live music
10) Make-out sessions
11) Shelves for my room so I can finally unpack...
12) To never settle for less than what I deserve.
and 13) To find a way to make a change/ difference in this crazy world...

I have faith that things work out the way we all want them to in the long run. We all have more control over our lives then we think we do, it's all about taking the risks. I'm a firm believer that there is no such thing as failure, that we all learn from our mistakes/misfortunes. My mother always says that there is a a positive in every negative. I believe in that wholeheartedly. I also feel that there is a bigger plan for all of us, we just need to have trust in it and in ourselves through the decisions and actions we make.

Here's to a new year, new beginnings and to the rigorous process of following our dreams.

I shall leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

"Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it because nobody else will." - Gandhi